I Will Survive (New Version)!
Hope you like the new version... may it bring a smile to your face!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long
That I grew strong
And knew that I could take you on
But there you are... another lie,
I was geared up for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry
I should have known it was bull$h*t, just a sad, pathetic dream
Should have known no anaconda would be lurking in those jeans...
Go on now go... walk out the door
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4
Weren't you a prat to think
that I wouldn't catch you out
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count!
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive
Cos as long as I have batteries my s*x life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good s*x with a handful of latex
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey hey
It took all my self-control not to laugh out loud
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed
Go on now go... you'd better flee
Last time I saw a pr*ck that small was on my brother... he was 3
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for referees
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me
Go on now go... just hit the track
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back
The only thing that I could do with a pr*ck as small as yours
Is to stick it with a tooth-pick, dip it in tomato sauce
(Chorus)
Go on now go... get out of my sight
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know it's length is right
And if I ever see your tiny truncheon standing at my door
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor
Go on now go...
At first I was afraid, I was petrified
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long
That I grew strong
And knew that I could take you on
But there you are... another lie,
I was geared up for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry
I should have known it was bull$h*t, just a sad, pathetic dream
Should have known no anaconda would be lurking in those jeans...
Go on now go... walk out the door
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4
Weren't you a prat to think
that I wouldn't catch you out
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count!
(Chorus)
I will survive, I will survive
Cos as long as I have batteries my s*x life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good s*x with a handful of latex
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey hey
It took all my self-control not to laugh out loud
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multi-speed
Go on now go... you'd better flee
Last time I saw a pr*ck that small was on my brother... he was 3
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for referees
Then I wouldn't have you waving that wee winky thing at me
Go on now go... just hit the track
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers 'cos I'll always throw them back
The only thing that I could do with a pr*ck as small as yours
Is to stick it with a tooth-pick, dip it in tomato sauce
(Chorus)
Go on now go... get out of my sight
I'm going back to my appliance 'cos I know it's length is right
And if I ever see your tiny truncheon standing at my door
You'll be counting up your inches as you pick them off the floor
Go on now go...
Women Women Women!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS*
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!
BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
"Cash, cheque or credit?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS*
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!
BEAST
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.
"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."
"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
Three Priests!
Three priests go to Africa to do missionary work.
They are captured by an African tribe and accused of insulting and offending the religion of the tribe.
The king of the tribe says,
"Even if you have committed a crime, you are priests. Therefore I will offer you a choice in punishment. ooga booga or death?"
The first priest thinks, "I don't know what ooga booga is, but anything is better than death." So he says,
"I choose ooga booga."
The King yells out, "OOGA BOOGA!"
Ten tribesmen rip off their loin cloths and screw the priest in the ass one after another.
The second priest sees all this and thinks to himself, "This is really bad, however, it's still better than the death". So he chooses ooga booga.
The King yells out, "OOGA BOOGA".
Ten more tribesmen rip off their loin cloths and screw the second priest in the ass one after another.
The third priest thinks to himself, "I will not let that happen to me, I prefer death to such degradation. "
He says to the King, "I choose death!"
"Very well," says the King, "DEATH!!!... . by OOGA BOOGA!!!"
They are captured by an African tribe and accused of insulting and offending the religion of the tribe.
The king of the tribe says,
"Even if you have committed a crime, you are priests. Therefore I will offer you a choice in punishment. ooga booga or death?"
The first priest thinks, "I don't know what ooga booga is, but anything is better than death." So he says,
"I choose ooga booga."
The King yells out, "OOGA BOOGA!"
Ten tribesmen rip off their loin cloths and screw the priest in the ass one after another.
The second priest sees all this and thinks to himself, "This is really bad, however, it's still better than the death". So he chooses ooga booga.
The King yells out, "OOGA BOOGA".
Ten more tribesmen rip off their loin cloths and screw the second priest in the ass one after another.
The third priest thinks to himself, "I will not let that happen to me, I prefer death to such degradation. "
He says to the King, "I choose death!"
"Very well," says the King, "DEATH!!!... . by OOGA BOOGA!!!"
A True Or False Exam!
Response from the teacher:
Dear Michael,
Every year I attempt to boost my students' final grades by giving them this relatively simple exam consisting of 100 True or False questions from only 3 chapters of material. For the past 20 years that I have taught Intro Communications 101 at this institution I have never once seen someone score below a 65 on this exam. Consequently, your score of a zero is the first in history and ultimately brought the entire class average down a whole 8 points.
There were two possible answer choices: A (True) and B (False). You chose C for all 100 questions in an obvious attempt to get lucky with a least a quarter of the answers. It's as if you didn't look at a single question. Unfortunately, this brings your final grade in this class to failing. See you next year!
May God have mercy on your soul.
Sincerely,
Professor William Turner
P.S. If all else fails, go with B from now on.
B is the new C
Job Interview 'Killer Question'!!
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
What did he say?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams!"
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
What did he say?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams!"
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
Good Manners!
During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better" she said, "but it's still not very nice to use the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I look forward to introducing you to right after dinner."
The teacher was speechless.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better" she said, "but it's still not very nice to use the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I look forward to introducing you to right after dinner."
The teacher was speechless.
Plastic Surgery!
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the Surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had
the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had
the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Please Solve This!!
You must get all the people across the river in this flash game respecting the following rules:
1. The raft can carry no more than 2 people.
2. Only the Adults (mom, dad, policeman) can operate the raft.
3. Dad can not be in the presence of the girls w/out Mom
4. Mom can not be in the presence of the boys w/out Dad
5. The thief can not be alone with any of the family w/out the policeman.
Below is just a picture! If you wish, you can download play the game online here!!!
1. The raft can carry no more than 2 people.
2. Only the Adults (mom, dad, policeman) can operate the raft.
3. Dad can not be in the presence of the girls w/out Mom
4. Mom can not be in the presence of the boys w/out Dad
5. The thief can not be alone with any of the family w/out the policeman.
Below is just a picture! If you wish, you can download play the game online here!!!
Tricky Questions!!!
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question! You have to answer them instantly! You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately! OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are!
Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race! You overtake the second person! What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up Ur in the next question!
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question!
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again! Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only! Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator! Try it!
Take 1000 and add 40 to it! Now add another 1000! Now add 30! Add another 1000! Now add 20! Now add another 1000 now add 10! What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100!
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3.Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not! Her name is Mary! Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush! By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done!
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple!
Let's find out just how clever you really are!
Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race! You overtake the second person! What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up Ur in the next question!
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question!
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again! Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only! Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator! Try it!
Take 1000 and add 40 to it! Now add another 1000! Now add 30! Add another 1000! Now add 20! Now add another 1000 now add 10! What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100!
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3.Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not! Her name is Mary! Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush! By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done!
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple!
True Story!
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.
They had a great time but; after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final exam then; they decided after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said they visited friends but on their way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them the test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be Easy..... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.....
For 95 points: Which tire?
They had a great time but; after all the hearty partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than take the final exam then; they decided after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said they visited friends but on their way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them the test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be Easy..... then they turned the page. On the second page was written.....
For 95 points: Which tire?
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