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Tubaga In 1 Minute!!
way tikasay ha? tubaga sâ neh! ang answer kai naa sa ubos!
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Just The Girls!!
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
Dirty Wife!
An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his slovenly wife. "She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my own and I wish she was
dead."
The friend suggested that he try killing her with s*x. It wasn't an offense, after all. So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend.
By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on.
"You see, darling," she said. "Treat me right and I'll treat you right."
dead."
The friend suggested that he try killing her with s*x. It wasn't an offense, after all. So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend.
By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on.
"You see, darling," she said. "Treat me right and I'll treat you right."
The Loving Husband!
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!
A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck.
Inside is a beautiful woman who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital and he is with her everyday and every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully and they get married. Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money, and she knows she is just a trophy wife.
She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar and says, "I'm leaving you."
"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.
"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you are wearing?
Everything I paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere."
"Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him, too.
"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."
She quickly pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said..... "I'll pay you back in monthly installments"
Inside is a beautiful woman who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital and he is with her everyday and every night. He donated blood regularly to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully and they get married. Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money, and she knows she is just a trophy wife.
She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar and says, "I'm leaving you."
"Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere."
"Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him.
"And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you are wearing?
Everything I paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere."
"Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him, too.
"And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere."
She quickly pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said..... "I'll pay you back in monthly installments"
How To Select The Right Candidate For Right Job!
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in reception
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick
has been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least......
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in top management.
If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in reception
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick
has been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least......
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved. Congratulate them and put them in top management.
TOP 10 Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping @ Your Desk @ Work!!
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
Old Mildred!
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"
Mildred hung-up without answering.
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"
Mildred hung-up without answering.
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
She Married And ....
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
This Is How Business Is Done!!
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
The Don!
An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"
"Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.
"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"
Wanna Learn Logic from Erap?
One day Erap saw Cory reading a book on Logic..
Erap: Cory mahirap ata yang binabasa mo?
Cory: Hindi, logic lang to madali lang..
Erap: Eh ano ba yang logic di ko ata alam.
Cory: Ganto lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap: Meron
Cory: Kung my aquarium ka eh di mahilig ka sa isda?
Erap: Oo
Cory: At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat?
Erap: Oo
Cory: Kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo sa Beach?
Erap: Oo
Cory: Kung mahilig ka sa Beach, mahilig ka din sa mga babaeng naka bathing suit?
Erap: Oo.
Cory: Eh kung mahilig ka sa sexing babae na naka bathing suit, lalaking lalaki ka? eh di macho ka?
Erap; Oo
Cory: Kita mo na, Ganyan lang ang logic..
Erap: Ok pla yang logic na yan huh..!
The next day, Erap saw Piolo Pascual..
Erap: Piolo subukan ko lang itong tinuro saking logic ni Cory.
Piolo: Cge nga!
Erap: May aquarium kaba sa bahay?
Piolo: wala..
Erap: Bakla ka nga...
Erap: Cory mahirap ata yang binabasa mo?
Cory: Hindi, logic lang to madali lang..
Erap: Eh ano ba yang logic di ko ata alam.
Cory: Ganto lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap: Meron
Cory: Kung my aquarium ka eh di mahilig ka sa isda?
Erap: Oo
Cory: At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat?
Erap: Oo
Cory: Kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo sa Beach?
Erap: Oo
Cory: Kung mahilig ka sa Beach, mahilig ka din sa mga babaeng naka bathing suit?
Erap: Oo.
Cory: Eh kung mahilig ka sa sexing babae na naka bathing suit, lalaking lalaki ka? eh di macho ka?
Erap; Oo
Cory: Kita mo na, Ganyan lang ang logic..
Erap: Ok pla yang logic na yan huh..!
The next day, Erap saw Piolo Pascual..
Erap: Piolo subukan ko lang itong tinuro saking logic ni Cory.
Piolo: Cge nga!
Erap: May aquarium kaba sa bahay?
Piolo: wala..
Erap: Bakla ka nga...
Accident Scene (WARNING: Graphic Content)!
Kita ko sa website aneh! It is not for the faint-hearted! If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the link below! It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed! It shows him with his insides now on the outside! You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders! Makakita ka sa nawong sa mga bystanders .... makatu-o jud ka sa piktyur nga tinuod jud neh!
click here!!!
click here!!!
Maude & Mable!
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom.. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mable: A condom.. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
In The Dark!
Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm Hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...come on
Wife: Alright, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Oh, that's good.
Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
The Prison And The Prisoner!
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and don't know anything about s*x. Can you explain it to me first?
"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simple, we will call your private place 'the prison' and my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, the bride giggles,"Honey the prisoner has escaped".
Turning on his side, he smiles "Then all we have to do is re- imprison him". After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,"Honey, the prisoner escaped again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards he lays on his back totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, sorry to bother you, but the prisoner is out again". turning his head, he YELLS at her,
"Hey,its not a life sentence, OKAY!"
"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simple, we will call your private place 'the prison' and my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison."
And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, the bride giggles,"Honey the prisoner has escaped".
Turning on his side, he smiles "Then all we have to do is re- imprison him". After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the bride, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,"Honey, the prisoner escaped again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards he lays on his back totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, sorry to bother you, but the prisoner is out again". turning his head, he YELLS at her,
"Hey,its not a life sentence, OKAY!"
Having A Baby!
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."
VolksWagen!
A BMW Asked my VolksWagen.
“Why are your eyes poping out of your body?"
The VolksWagen replied:
"LET THEM PUT A MOTOR IN YOUR ASS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!!"
“Why are your eyes poping out of your body?"
The VolksWagen replied:
"LET THEM PUT A MOTOR IN YOUR ASS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!!"
The Hammer
A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall
charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"
The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"
Never Quits!
Officials rejected a candidate for a news broadcasters post since his voice was not fit for a news broadcaster. He was also told that with his obnoxiously long name, he would never be famous. He is Amitabh Bachchan.
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In 1962, four nervous young musicians played their first record audition for the executives of the Decca Recording Company. The executives were not impressed. While turning down this group of musicians, one executive said, "We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out." The group was called The Beatles.
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In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married". She went on and became Marilyn Monroe.
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In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired a singer after one performance. He told him, "You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck". He went on to become Elvis Presley.
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A small boy--the fifth amongst seven siblings of a poor father, was selling newspapers in a small village to earn his living. He was not exceptionally smart at school but was fascinated by religion and rockets. The first rocket he built crashed. A missile that he built crashed multiple times and he was made a butt of ridicule. He is the person to have scripted the Space Odyssey of India single-handedly. He is Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. President of India.
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When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876, it did not ring off the hook with calls from potential backers. After making a demonstration call, President Rutherford Hayes said, "That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to see one of them?"
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When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he tried over 2000 experiments before he got it to work. A young reporter asked him how it felt to fail so many times. He said, "I never failed once. I invented the light bulb. It just happened to be a 2000-step process".
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In the 1940s, another young inventor named Chester Carlson took his idea to 20 corporations, including some of the biggest in the country. They all turned him down. In 1947, after 7 long years of rejections, he finally got a tiny company in Rochester, NY, the Haloid Company, to purchase the rights to his invention--an electrostatic paper-copying process.Haloid became Xerox Corporation.
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A little girl--the 20th of 22 children, was born prematurely and her survival was doubtful. When she was 4 years old, she contracted double pneumonia and scarlet fever, which left her with a paralyzed left leg. At age 9, she removed the metal leg brace she had been dependent on and began to walk without it. By 13 she had developed a rhythmic walk, which doctors said was a miracle. That same year she decided to become a runner. She entered a race and came in last. For the next few years every race she entered, she came in last. Everyone told her to quit, but she kept on running. One day she actually won a race. And then another. From then on she won every race she entered. Eventually this little girl-- Wilma Rudolph, went on to win three Olympic gold medals.
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A schoolteacher scolded a boy for not paying attention to his mathematic and for not being able to solve simple problems. She told him that you would not become anybody in life. The boy was Albert Einstein.
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In 1962, four nervous young musicians played their first record audition for the executives of the Decca Recording Company. The executives were not impressed. While turning down this group of musicians, one executive said, "We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out." The group was called The Beatles.
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In 1944, Emmeline Snively, director of the Blue Book Modeling Agency told modeling hopeful Norma Jean Baker, "You'd better learn secretarial work or else get married". She went on and became Marilyn Monroe.
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In 1954, Jimmy Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, fired a singer after one performance. He told him, "You ain't goin' nowhere son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck". He went on to become Elvis Presley.
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A small boy--the fifth amongst seven siblings of a poor father, was selling newspapers in a small village to earn his living. He was not exceptionally smart at school but was fascinated by religion and rockets. The first rocket he built crashed. A missile that he built crashed multiple times and he was made a butt of ridicule. He is the person to have scripted the Space Odyssey of India single-handedly. He is Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam. President of India.
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When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876, it did not ring off the hook with calls from potential backers. After making a demonstration call, President Rutherford Hayes said, "That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to see one of them?"
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When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he tried over 2000 experiments before he got it to work. A young reporter asked him how it felt to fail so many times. He said, "I never failed once. I invented the light bulb. It just happened to be a 2000-step process".
-------------------------------------------
In the 1940s, another young inventor named Chester Carlson took his idea to 20 corporations, including some of the biggest in the country. They all turned him down. In 1947, after 7 long years of rejections, he finally got a tiny company in Rochester, NY, the Haloid Company, to purchase the rights to his invention--an electrostatic paper-copying process.Haloid became Xerox Corporation.
------------------------------------------
A little girl--the 20th of 22 children, was born prematurely and her survival was doubtful. When she was 4 years old, she contracted double pneumonia and scarlet fever, which left her with a paralyzed left leg. At age 9, she removed the metal leg brace she had been dependent on and began to walk without it. By 13 she had developed a rhythmic walk, which doctors said was a miracle. That same year she decided to become a runner. She entered a race and came in last. For the next few years every race she entered, she came in last. Everyone told her to quit, but she kept on running. One day she actually won a race. And then another. From then on she won every race she entered. Eventually this little girl-- Wilma Rudolph, went on to win three Olympic gold medals.
----------------------------------------
A schoolteacher scolded a boy for not paying attention to his mathematic and for not being able to solve simple problems. She told him that you would not become anybody in life. The boy was Albert Einstein.
The Fairy!
A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that fairies are female.
Airsick!
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
A Snake Just Bit Me On The Tip Of My Penis!
2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"
What Woman Want In A Man?
[ Well with age things change and same do these preferences ]
What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)*
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)*
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
======================================
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Family Problems!
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step daughter my step-mother. And my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father's wife. I am my step-mother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!!!!!! And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS???
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter. We got married and I got myself a step-daughter. Later, my father married my step-daughter. That made my step daughter my step-mother. And my father became my step-son. Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law. Much later the daughter of my wife, my step-mother, had a son. This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half sister of my son, my step-mother, is also his grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose step-sister is my father's wife. I am my step-mother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRAND FATHER!!!!!!!!!! And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS???
Blonde And Her Job Interview!
A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday
dear...' "
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday
dear...' "
Wife And Best Friend!
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.
"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"
"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"
"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"
"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...
...BAD DOG .... BAD!"
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.
"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"
"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"
"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"
"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said...
...BAD DOG .... BAD!"
My Private Part Died Today!
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
Ever Wonder Why Men Lie?
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, Zeus appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has
fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. Zeus went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" Zeus asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No." Zeus again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" Zeus asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." Zeus went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" Zeus asked. "Yes", he replied. Zeus was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, Zeus again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh God Zeus, my wife has fallen into the water!" Zeus went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" Zeus asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. Zeus was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Zeus. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!
fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. Zeus went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" Zeus asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No." Zeus again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" Zeus asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." Zeus went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" Zeus asked. "Yes", he replied. Zeus was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, Zeus again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh God Zeus, my wife has fallen into the water!" Zeus went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.
"Is this your wife?" Zeus asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. Zeus was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Zeus. It is misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his wife!
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